Porn’s sad promise (recasting pornography as a loss event)
Indulging in pornography, though inappropriate, is an act of mourning–it is an attempt to recapture something which has been lost, that is passion in a relationship. This loss of passion must be grieved: it must be acknowledged and faced squarely on. The problem with pornography is not so much that it is wrong (it is wrong on so many levels), but that it doesn’t deliver what is expected: satisfaction. Though it heightens passion, it does not deliver satisfaction. The challenge with marriage is that it doesn’t deliver what I think I deserve: satisfaction. Marriage is imperfect–because people are imperfect. Porn is not a solution to imperfection. An extramarital affair offers a similar promise of satisfaction but doesn’t deliver. The problem with affairs is not so much that they are wrong (that they are, on so many levels), but that they don’t deliver on the promise, that is, satisfaction. Again, though they may rekindle passion of a sort, shame and guilt soon replace it and steal satisfaction. The solution to the problem–the death of passion–is to mourn appropriately, to embrace that which is imperfect (and was always imperfect), committing oneself to the continued pursuit of someone, knowing he/she is imperfect. In that there is fulfillment, though not complete satisfaction. Unlike a physical death, passion can be resurrected, it can be rekindled in the relentless and gentle pursuit of my lover.
Need to talk with a counselor about the loss of passion in your relationship? Want to rekindle hope and connection? Contact me at clairjantzen.ca